Flashback

 I had my 3rd post-surgery fill today. I’ve learned a lot about fake plastic boobs in the last few weeks... First of all, there’s no real way to know your cup size with tissue expanders. I tried on a B, C, and D last week- all in the exact same bra, and *technically* I could wear them all! The shape of the expanders is so round, and they are so hard… they just aren’t made for bras with actual cups sizes. This is fine- I can just wear sports bras, but it makes it difficult to know what the end result will be. 

The tissue expanders need to be larger than the implants will be (so they can comfortably slip under the expanded skin), and the implants will be softer, and “settle” more naturally into the pocket that the surgeon created. So, because of how they will rest more against the chest wall, they will appear smaller. A lot of people are disappointed after they make the swap because they expected the end result to be bigger than it turned out to be. I want to be aware of that, but also… I have to live with these for over a year, and the larger they are the more uncomfortable they become. Frankly, they seem huge right now. 😆

The other thing to consider is that fake boobs work the exact opposite from real ones when it comes to body weight. If you gain weight, your cup size becomes smaller (because it’s based on  the ratio to band size). Fake boobs will not grow with added weight (obviously) but the band size might become larger with weight gain. The opposite is also true, in that if you lose weight the boobs will still stay the same, but your band size could decrease, making that ratio larger. Considering I’m likely to have chemo and definitely going to have hormone suppression, I’m extremely likely to have weight changes and I have no idea which way it will go! I could end up too top heavy or wishing I’d gone bigger and there’s just no way to know! I’m hopeful I’m going to land in the middle but… 🤷‍♀️

I had intended to just make a fairly lighthearted post about fake boobs today, but I do have some more information, except I also don’t, and I’m pretty furious about all of it.

After I had my “episode” from the CT scan contrast in September, I made numerous calls to my oncologist, her nurses, my doctor, made 2 trips to the emergency room, and had to get fluids in the infusion center twice. I had EXTREME anxiety, I had all kinds of digestive distress, and I couldn’t eat. I also had a couple of terrifying incidents with my heart rate. One night I actually woke up because my heart  was pounding so hard I could feel it, and my Fitbit said it was 123, which is twice what my normal resting heart rate is. A couple of other nights that weeks it was also over 100. I was concerned about it, as was my oncologist, so she had them come down and do an EKG while I was getting fluids in the infusion center. It was a Sunday, so I did not get to have the results right away and then I never heard anything about it, which led me to believe it was fine. 

The week before my mastectomy, the surgery nurse in Indy had me come in and fill out paperwork. She mentioned that my EKG from a few weeks prior had been abnormal. She did not provide additional info, and I assumed it was not a big deal. I told her that nobody had told me it was abnormal. She said the report showed that it was, but that it’s “common”. 

I had a tele-health visit with my primary doc this week, and mentioned that I’d allegedly had an abnormal EKG and asked if she had any idea what it was about. She did not, but said she’d look into it for me.

She called today while we were in Indy. I knew immediately that something was off because she doesn’t typically work on Fridays. Apparently, the EKG indicated that I’d had a heart attack! WTF??!!! 

She is not convinced it’s accurate, and thinks it may have been an issue with the placement of the lead wires on the EKG machine. She is going to order a new EKG next week just to be sure. But I was so sick, and the stomach meds didn’t help, and my heart rate was so abnormal… I can’t help but wonder if something really did happen! Regardless, it was ignored. The ER didn’t even check my heart beyond basic pulse and blood pressure!

So, I had and EKG that said I’ve had a heart attack, and nobody told me. Nobody followed up with additional testing. The same (oncology) office still hasn’t gotten back to me with my mammaprint results. I still have no plan going forward. I don’t have chemo, port placement surgery, hormone suppression, or radiation scheduled, and now there will be additional delays due to the holidays and Covid escalations. I called Wednesday and left a message (can’t get a real person) but nobody returned my call. I emailed my navigation nurse but she did not respond. I’m sure some of this is due to the big hospital move, but they didn’t return my calls a few times during my “crisis”, either, so who knows? I am just so fucking tired of having to be in charge of my own medical care. I am willing to research, and advocate for myself, but I am not a doctor. I need my doctors to doctor!  I am so tired of all of it. So, so tired, and it really hasn’t even started yet.