God hates a coward, sonny…

 

I’m almost a week out from surgery. I don’t have my pathology report back yet, and my post-op appointment is tomorrow. I’ve done remarkably well with pain and have not needed anything stronger than prescription strength Ibuprofen. I’m getting antibiotics, lots of fluids, doing all of my OT exercises at least 3 times per day, doing my breathing exercises at least 4 times per day, and walking every day. I think I got 2500ish steps the day after surgery, and have tried each day to “beat” the prior day by 500 steps. I should have 6000 by the time today is over because I’m an overachiever. 😆

 I have 4 drains in place, and 2 of them are down to almost no output, which means they might come out tomorrow, and a 3rd drain is very close. The 4th one is probably going to have to stay in a while longer. It’s not an unusual amount or anything, it’s just not quite ready to come out.

Surgery day was hard. I had to get 8 (total) injections of nuclear dye into my nipples so the surgeon could trace my lymph nodes. The needle was not bad, but the dye was excruciating-something akin to acid or fire. Next up was anesthesia. I had a lot of fear about the anesthesia because many things were traumatic about Patton’s birth, and an anesthesia incident was one of them. That said,the anesthesiologist was wonderful and was perhaps the first doctor who believed and understood what happened with that trauma. She was truly great.

 I don’t remember anything after they gave me a nerve blocking injection in my back and then a shot in my thigh. Brant tells me that they asked me if I knew what I was there for, and I said “to get this fucking cancer cut outta me”, which seems like a pretty reasonable response, but I don’t remember it…

After surgery, I had a great night nurse. I would not have gotten through it without her because Brant had to go home to stay with Patton. She did several breathing exercises with me, and we walked several laps around the hallways. AND, I only threw up once! 😐

Brant said both surgeons were really happy with how their parts of the surgery went. (I was asleep for this report.)  I had asked my breast surgeon to test for cancer behind my nipples before we 100% committed to keeping them. She did that at the beginning of the surgery, and it was (apparently) tested instantly and was negative, so I at least have that piece of good news. Both surgeons checked on me the morning after surgery and were still pleased with how everything looked.

Part of me wants to end the update here, on a fairly positive note, with me sounding kind of  brave… but I’m not. It has been a terrible week. I am doing well physically, but I’ve had lots of fear/terror/panic attacks. I am lodged firmly in “freeze” in the fight/flight/freeze trauma response and I’m legitimately concerned that I may never “thaw”.  I can’t bring myself to change out of the surgery bra or look at the incisions or drains. Brant has to empty my drain tubes for me. I cry about 50% of the time, and sometimes I shake,  even though it doesn’t hurt or anything- I’m just traumatized. I’ve only been able to handle “peeks” down into the bra at my chest, which is lumpy and foreign and terrifying, and I still can’t look at it as a whole (though I guess I’ll have to at my appointment tomorrow). My stomach/eating issues have been back, although I’m making small improvements. I’ve mostly gotten by on bananas, Gatorade, and Boost protein shakes. I am on anti-anxiety meds (multiple kinds), I have online counseling once per week, I try breathing techniques and guided meditations, I’ve had zoom sessions with a survivor who has been gracious enough to help talk me down when I really start to lose it, and lots of friends and family have done lots of wonderful, thoughtful things for us! But I am STILL struggling horribly with every aspect of this whole thing. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am, but I can’t seem to get a handle on my mental health, and it has been taking a toll on all of us. I just wanted to be honest about this part because it’s hard to see all of the “warriors” out there “kicking cancer’s ass” and not feel like I must be really failing at this whole thing. So if someone else comes across this who also doesn’t feel too much like a “badass”, maybe they’ll at least know they’re not alone.

Anyway, the reason I haven’t updated wasn’t because I didn’t feel physically well enough, it was that I haven’t had the mental strength to do so. I have begun looking into additional mental health resources, but I’m kind of stuck right now, so in the meantime I’m just doing things as I can do them.