Not alone

 

Today is a day that people take time to actively be thankful. As difficult and terrifying as these last few months have been, I still have a lot to be grateful for. It’s funny how all of the many negative emotions can coexist with gratitude, even if the negativity takes over a lot of the time. They are not mutually exclusive. 

As I reflect on the good things, I can’t help but think of  all of the gifts, messages, cards, and encouragement from friends and family. I started thinking about how people often want to help, but aren’t always sure what to do for someone who is experiencing circumstances like ours. I decided  I would try to  put together a list of ideas, and I will come back and update it over time (as I learn more things). Some of them will be relevant to us, but many won’t. I have a few friends and acquaintances who are currently trying to heal from cancer, and a few more who have already been through it. I also belong to a few online forums where I get a lot of information. I want to include all of the things I can find that people in all different situations have found helpful.

1. Food- ideally able to be frozen and in disposable containers, or gift cards. People in the group said food delivery service cards (Door Dash, Uber Eats, Grubhub, etc) or gift cards for restaurants that deliver are particularly helpful for people who can’t drive or don’t have transportation.

If you offer homemade food that can be frozen, it can be available as needed, and if multiple people bring food at once, it won’t go bad! That said, make sure the recipient has freezer space available. 

A friend who has already been through this told me how overwhelmed she was to find herself with a table full of dishes to return, so disposable containers (or ones you don’t care about getting back) make food donations stress-free! I wouldn’t have thought of it, but it totally makes sense!

Obviously, restaurant gift cards can be used as needed, so if cooking is not your thing, or you aren’t close by, that will still be totally appreciated. We’ve received gift cards for fast food, fine dining, and everything in-between. It has all been awesome!

2. Pet sitting/childcare. 

Chemo can have people down for days at a time. Radiation requires daily appointments for several weeks straight. Surgery can require hospital stays and often comes with lots of restrictions. If I had a big dog, I would *still* not be able to walk it! If I had a baby, I wouldn’t be able to lift it! Offering to walk a dog or watch a child or to feed cats during a hospital stay, etc. is invaluable to some people- especially people who live alone/without help!

3. Rides/gas cards.

So many appointments… so, SO many appointments. There are driving restrictions if you have drain tubes, or are on certain meds, not to mention if you just feel too sick to drive. Having someone available to get you where you need to be can really alleviate a lot of stress. Additionally, all of the travel gets expensive, and some people have to drive hours away for their appointments! For people in tight financial circumstances, this can be a huge additional burden.

4. Money.

I’ve seen a lot of people in the groups who have lost their jobs due to the things that come along with having cancer, and even more whose insurance doesn’t cover nearly enough of their expenses. Fundraisers and donations can lessen the burden for these people, and helping them to find financial resources that might be available to them could also be helpful!

5. Specific offers..

Don’t generically offer to “let me know if you need anything”. Offer an actual thing that you are actually willing to do. It doesn’t have to be a big thing! If you’re headed to the store, ask them if they need you to pick up anything. Send them a message and offer specific times that you can be available if they need to talk. Offer to get the mail while they’re in the hospital. “Little things” are huge when life is kicking your ass! This is a quote I saw elsewhere, and it’s meaner than I would put it… but it definitely makes a point- “Don’t put all of the responsibility on a traumatized, overwhelmed person to ask for your help and then pat yourself on the back for  offering without committing .”  Ouch. Kinda snarky, but also kinda accurate... I would personally say that “generically” offering is fine, as long as you follow up and follow through. 

6. Thoughtfulness.

So many people have been so thoughtful.  Friends had art made for me, one came over and washed my hair when I couldn’t reach it, people sent personalized care packages with things they thought I’d like. People have sent cards, flowers, jewelry… It’s been amazing.

The first numbered items on the above list are so helpful, but it can be simpler! Maybe you aren’t in a position to do those things, or maybe you want to do something “different”. It is never going to be a bad thing to take the time to think about someone who is going through a rough time and to let them *know* you’re thinking of them. It doesn’t really matter how you do it, so long as you do it (unless it’s a phone call, because some of us absolutely HATE to talk on the phone…😆) I’m trying to say that it doesn’t have to take a lot of time or money to make things a little brighter for someone who is going through a dark time.

7. This one isn’t so much a thing you can do, as it is a thing you can NOT do. Over and over in the group people mentioned  “toxic positivity”.  I wasn’t sure how to describe this, so I got a couple of online definitions:

“Toxic positivity involves dismissing negative emotions and responding to distress with false reassurances rather than empathy. It comes from feeling uncomfortable with negative emotions. It is often well-intentioned but can cause alienation and a feeling of disconnection.”

“We define toxic positivity as the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.”

This was mentioned by so many people! It makes cancer patients feel “crazy”, invalidated,  and more alone, so I wanted to be sure to put it on the list. 

8. Brant says “Buy booze for their loved ones!” 😆 

Ha! But it is a good point. Our loved ones go through a lot, too. Reach out to them. Check in on them. Buy them bourbon! 😂 Group members suggested fun crafts for the children of people undergoing cancer treatment, which I thought was a great idea! 

9. Gift cards from evil corporations.

I know, I know…Amazon is problematic. But there are a bunch of weird things that you need that you don’t know you need until you start treatment. Special mittens and booties and ice packs to prevent neuropathy from the chemo. OTC meds to deal with other side effects. Personally, I’ve probably purchased 20 bras since surgery because I have to wear one at all times (except during showers), and it’s very hard to find ones that are both comfortable enough to sleep in  and also fit appropriately- especially with constantly fluctuating boobs! 😂 

Any chain store that carries a full selection of things could work (Walmart, Target, etc.), but make sure it’s a place that offers easy and fast delivery.

10. Cooling pajamas/sheets.

A friend just offered this great suggestion! This will only apply to some cancer patients, and you would need to find out clothing/bedding sizes, but hormone blocking therapy and chemo can both cause severe hot flashes. If you’re looking for something that other people haven’t already thought of, this could be a great option. My friend mentioned Cool-Jams, as a brand that offers this type of sleepwear.

11. Etsy gift cards.

I’ve recently discovered that Etsy has a HUGE assortment of head coverings (hats, scarves, wigs, etc.) as well as things for entertainment during treatment (coloring books, puzzle books), cozy items like slippers, lounge wear and blankets, and some shops are even run by cancer patients and survivors.

Anyway, it’s late, and I’m tired. I’m going to stop for now, but I’ll come back and add as I get new ideas from people over time. Thank you all for the things you’ve done for us, and for taking the time to read my ramblings.

Happy Thanksgiving!

12. Don’t forget that cancer treatment takes time.

Some people only go through cancer treatment for a very short time. Either it’s so “minor” that it’s able to be treated with a quick surgery, or they don’t live very long after diagnosis. For most people, however, it lasts for months or years. People tend to show a lot of concern and offer a lot of support in the first few weeks, but many cancer patients report that calls/texts/visits/etc. eventually stop, leaving some people to literally face it all alone, and often during the hardest parts. If you care about someone with cancer, let them know. Check in. Send a quick text. Send a letter if you’re afraid that calling or messaging might disturb their rest, but do something, and don’t stop doing it just because it’s been going on for a long time. That may be the time that they need it most.